Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Things I Learned About Medicine From Watching House
- Medical conferences have '80s dance parties. All the doctors attend. All the doctors rent costumes.
- Many low-grade ailments can probably be cured with the judicious application of swishy blond hair, a dreamy Australian accent, and blue eyes that can melt butter at 50 paces.
- It is accepted practice to do the medical equivalent of throwing darts-- don't know what the hell he's got? Start him on Atropine, Prednisone, Ativan, Vioprin, dialysis, chemo, and abrade his marrow. Something's gotta work, right?
- Nobody ever has only one disease, injury, or rare genetic condition at once. There are always at least two and usually more. One of them is probably sarcoidosis.
- Order as many PET scans as you want. It's not like we pay for those things.
- There is actually such a thing as a "Department of Diagnostic Medicine." Because they don't diagnose people anywhere else in the hospital
- It is possible to be a world-famous diagnostician, famous enough that all your bad behavior gets swept under the rug, without giving a single TV interview, publishing a single paper, or writing a single book.
- Diagnostics-related breaking and entering is not only not criminal, it's virtually undetectable.
- The five million people worldwide who have lupus are all fucking liars.
That said, I do like House. I got sucked in by Hugh Laurie's perfect American accent and stayed because I am an easily amused hypochondriac.
Scott Adams, please pardon me for neglecting you in my past few entries. I'm still just as eager as ever to duel you.
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I still watch House even though I think it's well past its prime. (It not only jumped the shark, the shark shot itself.) It kinda works if you think about it as Star Trek with imaginary medicine instead of imaginary physics. It was a good medical mystery for at least a season or two, before the mystery part became a weekly formula where you can tell what's going to happen by the time index. (First 3 things they try do not work, recovery at ~40 min. is fake, etc. And no matter what anybody ever says, it's not lupus.)
I'm pretty sure the only reason I still watch is to see Hugh Laurie, especially interacting with Cuddy and Wilson. Still, it's better than Lie to Me, which I watch because of Tim Roth, even though it is flaming crap on toast. And by "watch" I mean "watch for about 5 minutes before I scream and start hitting myself on the head with something heavy, causing my cats to flee in panic and knock the DSL modem off the table, thereby disconnecting me from the source of my agony." Damn you, Tim Roth, make something else, please.
Where is House when you need him?
I have Monoclonal Gammonopathy of Undermined Origin and a zillion other things like Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Yesterday, when I got my results of my recent lymph node biopsy, I was told that I have sarcoidosis. House is like Sherlock Holmes and Watson. I wish there were more episodes. I like to guess the final dx along with his team (sometimes, I hit the nail on the head). Now, I am off to read about sarcoidosis. I feel trite!
From the research I've done, MGUS is apparently similar to amyloidosis, another House favorite. Anonymous, I'm not sure who you are, but I'm sending out good wishes and positive energy to you. I hope your health improves and that you have a wonderful holiday season with people who love you.
And if your House-baiting actually prompts the universe to manufacture a Gregory House, can I visit hiim, please?