Thursday, December 10, 2009
CUNT. James CUNT. or: Two Topics That Have Nothing To Do With Each Other
First, a trip report on my Vagina Monologues audition:
I got to yell "CUNT" at the top of my lungs in a library.
All right, the real trip report: And I had a great time doing it, too. I hate auditions normally, and so I expected to be entirely flummoxed to find that not only did I have to audition, I also had to fake an orgasm during an audition. I gave myself the little pep talk I usually do in such situations. All right, Susan. You can do this timidly and it will suck, or you could do this to the hilt. It may still suck, but at least it will suck enthusiastically. So I did it to the hilt, and you know, it didn't suck. At least, not in my opinion, and as I'm not particularly invested in this venture (as I said before) my opinion is the only one that counts.
And now to this installment of the Figure Five Home Game: Cast The Next Bond Girl.
This came about as a result of tomorrow's Date Night, which will include at least one Bond movie and possibly two (A View to a Kill and Quantum of Solace, the latter because Andy hasn't seen it and the former because Christopher Walken is the villain.) I haven't seen very many Bond movies (only the newer ones). Of the films I've seen, Eva Green as Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale is my favorite Bond girl-- smart, gorgeous, and (for a change) well-written. This is, of course, if you don't count Dame Judi Dench as M. Dame Judi Dench is my favorite everything, ever. It is my goal to lead such a life that she would be able to play me in the movie.
After discussing previous Bond girls, Andy and I got onto the topic of who our ideal future Bond girl would be. I suggested Rosario Dawson or Jennifer Connelly, and Andy mentioned Rachel Weisz. Some other contenders didn't quite make the cut. Cate Blanchett and Uma Thurman disqualify themselves by being more badass than Bond (in my opinion; there is some dissension in the ranks), and Catherine Zeta-Jones was already a fake Bond girl in Entrapment, so she doesn't count. I think that 007 should branch out into redheads more often, so I originally named Bryce Dallas Howard, but on second thought, she seems too fragile and pouty to pull off the Bond-girl mystique. Dita Von Teese is damn near my hero, and she's got the edge, but I don't know if she has ever acted with clothes on. Acting ability is not necessarily a high priority for Bond girls, but her public image is kind of one-dimensional. I pick her as the secondary love interest who has a brief fling with 007 early in the film, but then turns out to be a villainess and is dispatched in some suitably ironic way. (Like Rosamund Pike, who was stabbed through her copy of The Art of War in Die Another Day.)
What makes a Bond girl? Well, being ridiculously gorgeous, of course, but with that particular vaguely-exotic, so-effortless-it's-actually-kind-of-insulting glamour. She has to have spunk and smarts, but not enough that she's reluctant to sleep with a self-centered player who's always getting her shot or stabbed or kidnapped and who's probably had a go with every venereal disease in the British Isles. She's got to have grit and fortitude (cf. shot, stabbed, kidnapped) and she should probably have at least one dirty secret. Most of all, though, she's got to have the presence. Bond girls are intoxicating. Their attitude would seduce you even if they were wearing a giant paper bag on their head. So, Home Gamers, who do you think is Bond-girl material?
Wait. No. Tell the long line of hopefuls we're not auditioning anymore. Scott Adams is our new leading lady.
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Laughing out loud in the CYT office about audition experience...they'd understand, but they wouldn't.
Rosario Dawson is the undisputed best of the ones you suggested. In fact, she's the best one I can think of either. Jennifer Connelly would have been, circa 1998 (hate to be crass, but this is Bond after all). I also agree with your assessment of Dita Von Tesse. Along those lines, I think Bryce Dallas Howard might work as the disposable one -- you know, the one who shows up as the impressionable first partner but gets killed early on by something exotic and implausible, like body-paint.
It's hard to believe that Lucy Liu has never been a bond girl. At the same time, it's hard to believe that Denise Richards has. (Worst. Bond. Girl. Ever.) If Drew Barrymore or Cameron Diaz ever come sniffing around, I hope they get the business end of a flamethrower or dropped in the piranha tank.
Minnie Driver is disqualified on the same grounds as Cate Blanchett (and I suspect the American audience wouldn't go for it anyway). Rachel Weisz is good. So is Kate Beckinsale. At least it would be her ticket out of the Uwe Boll ghetto.
And what happened to Angelina Jolie? I thought she was created in an underground lab specially set up for making Bond Girls? Oh well, probably too late for her as well.
But to be honest, you don't want me casting Bond movies anyway. Because then it would end up starring Ricky Gervais and Eddie Izzard, and it would be like the original Casino Royale. You know, the good one. There, I said it.
--nachoproblem (your uncle)
BTW, wasn't James Cunt nominated for the new head of the European Union? No, no, it was Tony Blair -- SAME THING. HAHAHAHAHhaha... ok, sorry.
I would watch the hell out of Gervais/Izzard Bond movie. Especially if a reconstituted Ricardo Montalban and William Shatner were the villains. Preferably grafted together in some sort of improbable Siamese-twin scenario.
I had Paul Giamatti penciled in for a villain. But I can work with your direction. Have your people call my people.